Protecting and cherishing the blessing of friendship
Finding friends can be one of the leading sources of anxiety for those of us in our youth. The friends we choose can be one of the leading factors in how we make decisions on the most important areas of our life. Are our friends a good influence on us? What influenced our choice of friends? There is a junction ahead, so if we have made bad friend choices, know that there is a fresh start ahead. Before it is too late, let’s take that fresh start and not look back.
Good friendship is a wonderful blessing. Being able to talk with one another about things that matter to us within a trustworthy and loyal bond can bring much joy to our life. What makes a good friend? A good, proper friend, will be trustworthy and appreciate us for who we are. This will be someone who we will not feel judged by when we share serious matters of concern with them, and this will not just be a feeling – they actually will not judge us. Their chief concern will be for our welfare, happiness and peace. They will cherish the mutual trust.
A good friend will also not influence us towards unhealthy environments and social contexts (see Blog Posts 1–3, particularly 1 and 3, for detail on these matters). They will not peer pressure us, whether indirectly or directly, into doing certain things at a certain age (again, see Blog Posts 1–3, particularly 1 and 3).
Warning signs to watch out for
It is a very common occurrence for a friend to have a regret in a certain area, or to have done something inappropriate, where instead of hoping and praying that their friends do not make the same mistake(s), they actually try to make them feel inferior for not having done that very thing. We shall briefly go over a few common examples.
A common case is giving the impression you are supposed to experience getting drunk or tipsy, or even try drugs, at least once. The dangers here are fairly well acknowledged, but by far insufficiently so. Far too many of us do fall into this trap. Worse still, and probably just as common, is making fun of someone for not losing their virginity before marriage, when in actual fact they were right all along to wait until marriage (see particularly Blog Post 1 and 3 for encouragement and affirmation in this area)! If this principle on the second point is a surprise to us (and even if it is not), it is important to fully understand the intended affirmation conveyed through Blog Posts 1 and 3. A fresh start is found whichever way we have gone in this area up to this point in our life, and we must take this fresh start (remember, do not believe the lie that there cannot be a fresh start), not only for our own good but for the encouragement and wellbeing of our friends too.
An increasingly prevalent issue, and one that the author admits to finding particularly difficult to make any sense of, is the engraving of tattoos and other abuses to the body and trying to influence friends to do the same. The author does not dismiss some people having reasons for wishing to engrave certain things on their body (or the essence of the meaning of certain words or symbols being wholesome) but wishes to affirm all of us in avoiding this route, owing to: (i) the irreversibility of such an act, and likelihood of later regret; (ii) preserving the precious natural body we have been given; (iii) knowing that we are loved and admired the way we are, to not spoil this precious gift. Remember, this is not a judgement – none of these articles are about judging – but rather affirming and encouraging (see the ‘About’ page of the discerningyouth.net website). The Lord accepts us as we are, and we should not fret about this matter – if we trust in the Lord, we will be given a completely renewed body when the Lord Jesus returns.
Regarding all these examples, and the many other peer pressures that assault us, why would we not take a fresh start with peace and joy? Why would we choose a friend who peer pressures us towards these things? After all, when in quiet reflection, didn’t we have the right answer to the questions in our heart from the start (see Blog Post 1)?
Future-orientated concern and care, with mutual respect
Most importantly, a good friend will be most chiefly concerned about our eternal welfare, that is what happens to us when we pass away one day and how healthy our walk with God is now. Essentially, the health of our soul is what matters most because our soul is eternal. Again, any advice or discourse with a proper friend will not be in a judgemental way, but a natural and harmonious understanding that we are all on a journey. Being drawn to Christ is the most important part of any of our journeys because it affects our eternal future and will afford us the ultimate source of peace even in this life now, indeed the closest and most precious friend we can ever have. Pondering these amazing spiritual realities with a trusted earthly friend, with all the challenges that come our way in this journey, is a comfort to our souls.
If we have a friend who makes fun of us for considering the things of God or even considering whether God exists, we probably need to politely step away as it is highly likely they will lead us along unhealthy paths both in terms of our spiritual health, and also morally and socially. Furthermore, the friendship may be a cause for discouragement. The popular falsehood that the existence of a Creator has been refuted by science is concisely addressed in Blog Post 2, which the author (as someone trained in the biological sciences) hopes clears up a common misunderstanding and offers reassurance to many readers here. If a friend respects these considerations but does not believe at this point, and we can ponder these questions together, this is a different matter. The best scenario and gold standard is where there are two Christian friends who are both eager to learn more about God and about the wonderful blessing of walking along the narrow path on the way to our eternal future.
Can we be friends with someone of the opposite gender?
Some suggest that we can have ordinary friends of the opposite gender without any problem. This is a difficult matter to draw firm conclusions on, but friendship with someone of the opposite gender will ordinarily be of a different dynamic to that of someone of the same gender. Considerations on courtship development, which is distinct from ordinary friendship, are dealt with at length in Blog Posts 1 and 3.
Undoubtedly, we can have wholesome and serious conversation with someone of the opposite gender in a completely non-romantic way, and with a strong feeling of genuine friendship. However, the author takes the view that we need to be careful with boundaries and unintended dynamics. It is of course fine to have courtship considerations, which will in many cases start with ordinary friendship – such a consideration certainly will be genuine close friendship, and this is a lovely development. This is the point. Indeed the one whom we marry, following courtship and engagement, will be our best friend on earth! Our wife or husband will be our best of best friends. And the married couple will often have mutual friends of either gender – they may comfortably refer to ‘a friend of ours’ or ‘our friend, so-and-so’. Individually, we cherish other close friends we have of the same gender. The close friend of the opposite gender is our spouse.
Serious implications from communication methods
Perhaps it goes without saying that social media culture and the breakdown of ordinary family values in society (see Blog Post 1 and 3) has eroded proper understanding of the aforementioned boundaries and considerations – we are now very confused in these areas across all ages, but especially in the younger generation. The influence of media communications, social media and changing methods of ordinary communications is perhaps a topic for a separate article, but we shall briefly note a caution for us all to take heed of. Be careful of casually forming social media connections with people with the intention of keeping them at a distance and observing their social media outlet and appearance – this is hurtful and unfruitful for both sides and does nothing to advance genuine friendship, nor courtship for that matter. The author of this article offers the gentle recommendation to consider avoiding mainstream social media entirely, ideally, but at least to significantly minimise its use (see Blog Post 3 and the end of Blog Post 2 for key considerations on this matter). This requires a step of faith, and the author has found much blessing in such a decision. Keep your privacy, dignity and genuine character. Stick to genuine considerations and genuine conversations – remember, in times gone by (not that long ago in the grand scheme of things, e.g. even in the A.D. 1990s and into the A.D. 2000s), if you wanted to call someone up you’d have to telephone their house on the landline telephone and ask to speak to them. This was good because, for example, parents could better protect their daughters from guys who do not have good intentions for them, among other protective safeguards. Before the telephone (prior to the late A.D. 1800s / early A.D. 1900s) it was hand-written letter only or a message via a footman! Hand-written letter remains a lovely way to communicate meaningfully with those close to you – a wonderful blessing especially for courtship development and close friends.
Three questions for consideration: (i) will our children, the next generation, still be able to write with pen and paper?; (ii) Will they have an attention span of more than 10–20 seconds?; (iii) Will they be able to hold a genuine mature-minded conversation before the age of 30? Let us never allow the negative answers to these questions to become reality in the families we raise. To put things in perspective, some of these very things are already becoming reality across society right now. The cause probably goes without saying and could form a separate stand-alone article. Let us mention one extreme example, which should shock us – a parent of a baby hands the baby a smartphone when the baby starts to cry. And this is only one example of many that could be cited. If this does not shock us, we need to take a step back in quietness and carefully consider why this is not the way to raise children. What about praying with our daughter or son? What about spending time with them in quietness? What about trying to comfort them? Yes, this can be profoundly challenging and the author does not pretend to make this sound easy nor profess to understand fully. One thing is certain – parasitising the next generation with screens and videos (often with immoral content) is not a good approach in any way whatsoever. Now is the time to ponder and consider, to do the right thing for the next generation (see Blog Post 3 for considerations on family values).
We can ask the Lord to help us make prudent decisions while still in our youth. It is not too late yet to turn this around.
When noone seems to understand, not even our friends
Important to remember is that there will be things we go through in this life that noone other than the Lord will understand. The Lord Jesus encouraged us to go into our room, close the door, and pray to our Father in heaven. Only prayer and quietness while reading the Bible (e.g. Psalm 27, John 14:27) by oneself will help. This will be a hard lesson we have to learn at some point, but one which will strengthen our faith hugely – it is disappointing and deeply painful when noone seems to understand, even friends and family we thought would understand, but of immense comfort when we realise that God really does understand and is on our side indeed (see Blog Post 2)! The Psalms in the Bible are packed full of prayers of God’s people perplexed and distressed by this exact thing, and they find sustaining comfort in the Creator God who truly cares for them. In Psalm 42:5, we read:
“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted in me? Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance.”
We can find the exact same comfort, now even with the fulfilment of Christ’s incarnation, resurrection (remember this is history) and the sure expectation of His return at any moment (it is urgent to turn to Christ in true repentance before this); knowing that even right now Christ is interceding for us in prayer in heaven at the right hand of the Father Almighty (see Romans 8:27).
In Psalm 27:1, we read:
“The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?“
Be yourself and encourage others
All things considered, there is a foundational principle that should underpin our approach to friendship, and certainly also in the context of courtship and marriage. This is to be yourself. Be the person we are called to be. Does this take the pressure off? It should, because we do not have to be anyone else. The Lord smiles upon us as we stand fast in what we know is right and true. We will, by faith in Christ, be gently brought back to this path of peace when we mess up, and even brought to a place of greater maturity and peace of mind. We learn more about God and about ourself through these times – this is growth, and growth is good. Sadly, many throw away their lovely personality and character to try to ‘fit in’ with a crowd or prevailing popular trends (often when going to university, or earlier on via high school peer pressures), later trying to restore themselves back to their actual self when they want to ‘settle down’ (Blog Posts 1 and 3 expand on this matter in detail, particularly Blog Post 3).
Remember that there are opposing forces that are actively seeking to bring us down and discourage us, that are desperate for us not to live within the abundantly blessed path that we are called to (see Blog Post 2 for a detailed explanation of what is going on in reality). There are four common stages (though not limited to) that opposing forces often strike down lovely people:
Disruption Attempt Route 1 – During high school years, often between the ages of 15 and 17 approximately, severe peer pressures overwhelm many via lies from social media, general media and conversations, and, disgracefully, even the education system itself!
Disruption Attempt Route 2 – Upon turning 18, many get caught up in nightlife culture, the music festival scene and other associated environments and interactions. Many are lost at this point that had initially withstood the pressures, often upon entering the modern university social environment and leaving the family home.
Disruption Attempt Route 3 – Some ‘survive’ the initial stages, continuing to be mature-minded and conscientious, growing more and more in their lovely personality, being a blessing and encouragement to others in the process. However, many of those who go off to university away from home will only remain in this state for around a year of university life, before being captured by the opposing forces and going along with the flow, rejecting or sidelining faithful friends who were alongside them. The university system essentially inverts the proper progress of character maturity, the precise opposite of what it claims to do. The author estimates that approximately 5–10 per cent of a student cohort arriving at university could be of the former state (survived Disruption Attempt Routes 1 and 2), but that this figure could drop to as low as 0.5–1 per cent by the time they reach second year of university (captured by Disruption Attempt Route 3).
Disruption Attempt Route 4 – The faithful friends referred to above have survived Disruption Attempt Routes 1–3, but have now sadly lost many friends to the opposing force. This very rejection and sidelining is part of the enemy’s ammunition for launching Disruption Attempt Route 4. The enemy now desires to attack and discourage those who have survived up to this point. A key tactic is trying to convince us that we were wrong, when actually we had the right idea from the start (see especially Blog Post 1). We must not give in to this.
We do not need to be brought down by any of these attempts! And whichever one may have captured us, or whichever other crafty attempt that has come our way, we can escape the trap now with a completely fresh start.
Why throw away the lovely personality you’ve been given, and shipwreck our progress in growth? And to think there were people who were so fond of you and so proud of you. Why delay that wonderful friendship, even courtship and marriage, that would come our way soon if we were simply to be ourself? There are many who long to just be themselves, but they believe lies from the media, political elite, ‘celebrities’ and peer pressure instead of the truth.
And let us be absolutely clear – this is not a ‘You could be better but just stay the way you are’ patronisation. Throw any thought remotely close to this negative idea in the bin. No, it is the exact opposite! It is: ‘Don’t throw away the lovely person that you are.’; and ‘Don’t throw away the very best that the Lord has for you!’. Let’s not settle for the nonsense any longer. If we have been captured via any of the disruption routes mentioned above, or otherwise, escape now before it is too late.
There is a completely fresh start ahead (the only person who says there cannot be a fresh start is the enemy of our souls – see Blog Post 2). There is a verse in the Bible that affirms this truth so wonderfully:
“And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten” (Joel 2:25)
Let’s take a fresh start and embrace the best calling for our life that we could not even have imagined, the calling that the Lord has for us. It will not be easy, but it will be the absolute best we could imagine.
In Psalm 37:4, we read:
“Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”
Conclusion of the matter
Be yourself and encourage others. Embrace and support that friend who encourages us along a wholesome, peaceful and honest path with joy. In the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Ephesian church, written in the A.D. 60s, we read in chapter 5,
“Now unto him that is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.”
A prayer for peace and protection
A good way to start or end personal and family prayer times is to say or sing a Psalm. The Psalm is a model prayer in itself. God delights to hear us praying Scripture, and also our own words expressing the depths of our feelings and experiences. The author recalls praying for the Lord to provide a close Christian friend a few years ago, someone to pray with and share spiritual concerns with one another, and how this prayer was answered very directly and in a completely unexpected way.
Psalm 23, in the Scottish Metrical setting suitable for singing, is one such lovely Psalm with much encouragement for us:
The LORD’s my shepherd, I’ll not want.
He makes me down to lie
In pastures green he leadeth me
The quiet waters by.
My soul he doth restore again;
And me to walk doth make
Within the paths of righteousness,
ev’n for his own name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk in death’s dark vale,
Yet will I fear none ill:
For thou art with me; and thy rod
And staff me comfort still.
My table thou hast furnished
in presence of my foes;
My head thou dost with oil anoint,
And my cup overflows.
Goodness and mercy all my life
Shall surely follow me:
And in God’s house forever more my dwelling place shall be.
If singing, the Psalm can be sung to different tunes but a well known one can be found here – https://www.sermonaudio.com/psalter/psalm23?tuneID=CRIMOND
In closing, let us pray for strength and faith to stand firm in all the matters we have considered:
Our Lord and heavenly Father, we thank You that You know the plans You have for us and that they are perfect. Thank You that we do not need to be anxious, but that we can trust You fully. We pray that You would present to us the ideal friends for us, and that this would be abundantly clear to us. We thank you that You are able to do abundantly and exceedingly above all that we ask or imagine and that you hear our prayer whatever time of day or night, silent or out loud.
We thank You, heavenly Father, that our Lord Jesus Christ understands all that we go through, even when noone else seems to understand at all. Have mercy on us, we plead with You, for all that we have shamefully fallen short in. We thank You that You will comfort us when we have been led astray by the wrong friends and wrong influences. We praise You that You give us a completely fresh start through our Lord Jesus Christ, justified entirely and freely by His blood shed on the Cross at Calvary. We thank You that this is by faith alone and is entirely independent of our past or future mess ups or things that we think make us moral or good, entirely by Thine own grace, freely gifted to us, granting us a new desire to live according to Thine own beautiful Way, and planned from even before the Creation of the world.
Please protect us and those close to us, granting us peace and safety in Thee alone.
In Jesus name we pray.
Amen
